Choosing Joy :)

The post below was written by Dayna Martin over at one of my favorite yahoo groups:
radicalunschoolingwithLoA@yahoogroups.com

Someone was writing in to talk about how difficult it can be to do things for our kids when they are being "rude." I love Dayna's response so much. I cut and pasted a brief sentence from another poster, and then typed Dayna's reply.
Thank you so much Dayna for permission to put this on my blog! :)
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-=-It doesn't feel joyful to just do whatever she wants me to do when she is asking so rudely!-=-

Living with a very highly sensitive 7 year old, I have had a lot of experience with these feelings. Over the years I have come to understand that Tiff is doing the best she can to express her desires at any given moment. Yes, there are times when she "demands" things like you describe your daughter doing. I try to focus on the needs under Tiffs "behavior".

Something that has worked great for me has been to "hear" her sweetest, most loving voice whenever she asks for things, no matter how she is asking. I know that if she is tired of hungry she is going to sound what we've been conditioned to think of as "rude". I don't let that cultural voice control my thoughts about my little girl.

Most of the time she asks for things in a way that others would view as acceptable, but yes, there are those times that she screams for things and says things like, "Get it Mama!! Now!!" I answer her unconditionally.... meaning, she gets the same loving response from me most of the time (unless I am tired or hungry) and I say, "Ok Babe... one minute" and speak kindly and gently to her. She deserves this unconditionality from me even at times when she isn't at her best. She knows she can trust me in this way.

I know it isn't "About me" when she is being grumpy. She's doing the best she can and doesn't want to feel that way, so why make it "about me" and talk to her as if I am training her and scold and correct her on top of the yuckiness she is already feeling? Imagine how hard that it for kids from their perspective? The last thing anyone wants to hear is someone rambling on endlessly about how much you hurt their feelings in how they asked for something. Seriously, maybe it sounds different than anything you have ever heard before, but I make it about meeting her needs and pull myself out of the equation just for that moment. I become her partner and help her get what she wants and answer respond to her unconditionally.

I know that Tiff's requests are age appropriate ways to ask for things when she is tired, hungry or frustrated. Devin, my almost 10 year old doesn't ask like that anymore. He outgrew it a couple of years ago and he is the most loving, kind little guy now. Believe it or not, he almost always says please and thank you having never been "trained" to do so.

Just know that by responding lovingly, no matter what isn't saying that the way she is asking is "fine with you" (you're just not focusing on that) or that by not commenting on the "rudeness" you are not "teaching" her how to be polite. This is cultural conditioning talking, lying to you. Seriously, you don't need to correct or scold or "train" your kids at all. You only need to model and love unconditionally and open your heart and know that she is doing the best she can in the moment considering her age and the conditions she is faced with.

Some folks may think that a child will never learn manners with this approach, but in my experience, the opposite is true. Kids who are responded to and their needs are focused on, learn to treat others with love and understanding. They grow up to be loving, caring individuals who are willing to compromise and focus on others getting their needs met and respond to others without having their feelings so easily hurt by someone else.

We live in a very narcissistic society. Have you ever asked yourself why? How many times has a cashier or waitress been grumpy, and you have wondered what it was they didn't like about you, or wondered what you did to "cause" them to treat you this way? This way of looking at others is generally a response to the way you were "trained" as a child with the parent constantly commenting and focusing on how your behavior affected "them". Think about it... In reality others behavior is usually about them and something they are going through and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

We have been led to believe that a mainstream parenting approach (like on the show "The Nanny") "teaches kids how their behavior affects others", but in reality kids learn that everyone outside of themselves is behaving in the way that they are somehow because of them, or something they did or said. In short, it creates Narcissism. The total opposite of what we think we are creating by constantly correcting their behavior. Lift the shroud my friends and see what is happening by parenting in the way you have been brainwashed to think you have to.

When my kids are out and about in the real world, if a waitress is grumpy, they never internalize it. They don't get upset or angry and say, "she's not getting a good tip". They say, "wow, poor lady, I wonder what happened to her in her life to make her so grumpy." Tiff often says, "Mama, I bet she forgot to eat breakfast". They open their heart and fill it with love and understanding for others and then let it go, and in turn, they are virtually invincible emotionally and very in control of their emotions and feelings. It's amazing really.

When I was a kid if someone was grumpy, I would ask myself what I did to create that in them. I would in turn become grumpy too. I would get so sucked into others feelings and somehow make it "about me". My own happiness was so conditional on others happiness. It was frustrating because for years I would try to control others emotions and become something I was not so that they would be happy...... so that I could be.

How did we get so mixed up in our culture when it comes to parenting? I don't know, but all I do know is, we are all here to help with the shift in consciousness in regards to this parenting paradigm. We are all pioneers on the forefront of change. I am so happy to be here with all of you.
Thank you for listening.

~Peace & Love, Dayna
www.TheSparklingMartins.blogspot.com

Bungee cording myself to Joy!

I was talking to Wes earlier today of loving and connecting and creating an unconditional partnership with Kathrynn, and doing so with Joy..... That for me, it is a CHOICE. I can *choose* to parent her with Joy- in each moment, unconditionally. This often means, getting up AGAIN to help her with something, or getting up AGAIN to get something for her- even when, in both situations, she *could* do xyz, or get xyz herself.

I could choose to do these things for her, and feel resentful. I could choose to do these things, and be frustrated about it. Or, I could choose to NOT do those things for her.

OR I could choose to feel Joy and connection with her when I do these things.

Sometimes I *do* get resentful. and Sometimes I *do* get frustrated. And sometimes I do ask her if she would be willing to get xyz herself because i am doing abc at that moment, or ask her if she'd be willing to wait X amount of minutes until I am done w/ my project.

My goal, however, is that when i do decide to get up, and do xyz for/with her, I have Joy in my Heart. I try to look it as another opportunity to connect with her, to meet that need in her to connect to me. I love choosing to feel Joy. :) And she appreciates that too.

After some frustrating exchanges later today, Wes reminded me of what we'd talked about earlier. He said that maybe I needed to bungee cord myself that Joy. :D
What a wonderful visual for me- and so i shall remember, during those "tough" moments, to bungee myself to Joy. Because, Joy is where i want to be. :)

I'm glad to be writing about this.... because Kathrynn just walked in to tell me that she'd knocked over a glass of apple cidar onto the rug. I looked at her, with love in my heart, and smiled, and thanked her for telling me. Then we went to clean up the juice. :) And I felt Joy in my heart, the entire time. :D

coloring solstice pictures :)

I guess writing about the holidays this morning made me want to color a picture about Solstice, which then led to Kathrynn coloring a bunch of pictures about Solstice!
Then I drew a picture to celebrate Thanksgiving- drawing the things i'm most grateful for, and Kathrynn joined in on that theme as well. :)






This was her first picture of the day..... once we got into the holiday theme, she went back and added the snowman. :)
Before you know it, we'd covered the floor in pictures!



I think this is one of my favorites. :)

I love this one too......When I asked her what it was, she said- "A bunch of squirrels chasing each other."

Holidays!

PHEW!!!! I have a love/ hate relationship with the holiday season. After i left christianity, the point of celebrating jesus' birth was a bit lost. When, years later, i came to embrace jesus as a great teacher, one of whose ideals were something i embraced myself- love, compassion, joy- i still had a road block to embracing the holiday fully- because Jesus was born in the SPRING!!!! lol

My pagan (and I use that word in the expansive sense) leanings draw me to celebrate Solstice- and so our immediate family (Wes, Kathrynn and I) embrace that as a center point of our holiday festivities. We talk a lot about Solstice around our house, and have a Solstice celebration every year. :)

It gets sticky when we join other family members..... some of whom celebrate christmas out of habit/tradition (ie, not out of religious conviction), and some of whom celebrate christmas as a religious event. Because i love jesus as a teacher, I can connect to the love of christmas by christians. I try to mentally over look that his birthday was not in the Winter. *Grin* And i focus on the child hood traditions that I loved, and still love!- santa, stockings, lots of yummy food, family together time. Those are the things that we love the most about "christmas." I try to down play the gifts, because in our immediate family we don't "save" up gifts for one or two days a year. We treat ourselves to what we want, as we can afford it- that brings the most joy into our lives. We do exchange a few gifts for Solstice, and Santa does bring some nice treats on christmas morning. And we do a modest family gift exchange christmas eve....... Its a balancing act that i am trying to figure out still.....

But HERE is where it gets REALLY tricky.....
Kathrynns' birthday is...... wait for it...... on DECEMBER 25TH!!!!!!!

If it was just our immediate family, i'd forgot most of "christmas" altogether- it would be a mostly secular holiday (with this odd side note of paying tribute to a person that was not really born in the winter but people *pretend* he was for the sake of ......... whoops sorry, i'm heading off track here....). We'd continue to have a Solstice celebration.... we'd continue to have stockings on the morning of December 25th. But that would pretty much be it. Because, for Wes, Kathrynn, and myself, December 25th is a day to celebrate KATHRYNN!!!! It is HER *real* birthday. :)

After Kathrynn's birth, my mom was so wonderful- she really tried to work with my efforts to keep the 25th "Kathrynn's day". She altered her life long tradition of "no presents until christmas morning". So now we have adopted that into our tradition- and we open any remaining christmas gifts from the family on christmas eve. :)

So for me, the holidays have really evolved over the years....... and i'm still settling with how to create our (wes, kathrynn and myself) family traditions, with the traditions of both sides of the extended families. We love to see our extended families, so we don't want to just keep it the three of us. And yet we have our traditions that are important for us. And other family members have theirs......
Again, its a balancing act.

This year we'll be having our usual Solstice celebration..... I'm so excited to share this celebration with our small family, and also with our friends who also celebrate the wonderment and joy of Solstice. And then we'll visit Wes' family, where we'll open christmas presents on christmas eve, have stockings on christmas day, and have a wonderful birthday celebration for Kathrynn on December 25th.

And when we get back home, we'll have a birthday party with kathrynn's friends...... and then another birthday party with my family........ PHEW!!!! I'm starting to really LOVE the holidays....... Sort of ... ;)

Thanks to Ren at http://familyrun.ning.com/ for encouraging me to blog about the holidays!! :)

Today, mostly

So, this was not today. This was last night. I came home from my trip and Kathrynn was excited to show me her newest additions to her littlest pet shop collection. :)
She got them all together and posed. :P

And now on to.....today!

Tuesdays are a lot of fun for us.... Kathrynn loves going to story time which is followed by crafts at our local library. Today my friend Dani read a book to Kathrynn, Diego and Paolo (her kids), Nyah (another homeschooled kid), and Skye (Kt's homeschooled kid). I loved taking pictures of them lined up in a row, being read to by Dani. :)
This was my favorite picture of them. :)

Playing at our house later. :)

Guitar Hero!

Kathrynn and Wes obtained an addition to our XBox this weekend with Guitar Hero World Tour. Kathrynn's rocking out to the ABC's here. :)

Dada's weekend!

I was away for a couple days and Wes took some joyful pix from their weekend together!!!
She wasn't really in the picture mood, so she was doing quite a
bit of hiding.


Kathrynn took a few
wonderful shots herself, including one of Jazmine, our 13 year old cat, our two sweet guinea pigs, Puff and Nadine, and her sweet dada. :)

Validation!!!

http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/scc/ecs/public/main/validationMovie.html

This is a great 20 min little video that brought many smiles to my lips!
Enjoy!

Another Abraham-Hicks quote from my fridge :)

The Greatest Gift To Give To A Child

Your children came forth pure and eager and knowing that all is well, to try to remind those who have come before them of something that they have forgotten. And so, that's why the generation gap will always be there. These bright young beings come forth feeling invincible, and their parents, who are not feeling so invincible, spend most of their life, teaching them to feel less and less invincible. And we say, how backwards is that? You're wanting your children to be empowered. Self-empowered. That is the greatest gift that a parent can give to a child!
The most effective parent is the one that gives birth and gets out of the way! Always there, lovingly, to answer anything that is asked, certainly, but not with that domineering, "Well I've lived, and I've had lots of experiences, and this and this and this has happened, and this is how it is, and the sooner you come to understand how it is, the better you'll get along in this world..." And your child says, "That's how it is for you, but that's not how it is for me." And you say, "Oh, well, you haven't had the experience that I have had." And your child is saying, "But you just have your own narrow, warped perspective, Mother. And your perspective doesn't have anything to do with me!"
You want your child to have a glorious experience, so just remember that for your child to live a glorious experience, he must be connected to Source Energy. So anything that you do that encourages that connection, is helping. Anything that you do that discourages it -- is not.

Mathers Museum of World Cultures

Kathrynn and her friend Nyah went to another local museum today, called the Mathers Museum of World Cultures.
They had a special event called Artistic Traditions Around the World, where different countries had different craft table set up. The girls had a lot of fun exploring the different countries, and really had a lot of fun at the Mexico table, where they worked on making a PINATA!!!!



The museum has a great section which is devoted the the 1960-70s culture- the furniture and kitchen appliances are right out of that time period. The kids love playing house in that exhibit. :)









The museum is so kid friendly- they have a great area for making various crafts and for playing dress up in a little house. :)

We went to our friends yesterday to play and chat and play with the Lamas and other misc animals on their farm!!!



Luna the kitten is always a big hit with kathrynn. :)












Buddy the dog decided to get his necessary exercise by swimming LAPS in the pond. This is no small pond! I'd say he swam about 3o minutes or so, and then finally climbed out.













Next came the wonderful and mysterious lamas!!! Virginia and Kathrynn were having fun feeding them. I'm always amazed at how sometimes they can be far out in the field, and then other times come right to the house. I think they are such fascinating animals!

Daily Law of Attraction Quotation

I LOVE this quote! I keep it on my fridge, to help remind me to encourage and sometimes stay out of the way of Kathrynn's natural eagerness to expand and explore and SHINE!!!!
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Parents don't want their children to make the wrong decisions, so they don't allow them to make the decision. And then the child becomes dependent, and then the parent resents that, and it gets off into a blameful thing early on. If you are encouraging children to do all that they can do -- and not squelching the natural eagerness that is within them, so that they can shine and thrive and show you and themselves how good they are at adapting to physical experience -- then everyone wins.


Excerpted from a workshop in Dallas, TX on Saturday, March 13th, 1999

Our Love,
Jerry and Esther

A couple joyful shots!

We went to a local gymnastics for play time the other day. Kathrynn had so much fun jumping on the trampoline and hanging from the bars and jumping around.
She wants to take classes next session. :)









Later we went to our friends house and the girls dressed up in some dazzling outfits!

Wonderlab!

Yesterday our play group went to wonderlab and Kathrynn had a joyful day playing w/ her friends. One of their favorite things is when the employees take the animals out and let folks touch them. :)
Here are some shots of Kathrynn and her friends with some of the animals they have there.


They wanted the corn snakes to come out and play, but one of them had just eaten and was more interested in digesting her food. :)


Here is kathrynn about to "pet" the Madagascar Hissing Roach.


Next came the Giant African Millipede, which is actually quite large (nearly a foot long) but curls up when it is feeling threatened.


The Bearded Dragon wasn't into being disturbed either. :)

t's A New Day - will.i.am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHWByjoQrR8


This brought such joy to my heart to watch this!
I was taken back to the late evening of November 4th, watching the next president of our country take the stage and give his speech. AMAZING!!!! :)

Choosing Expansion!

Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening.
You are either stressfully waiting for something - more money, security,
affection - or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the
entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without
waiting.
~David Deida

Life Learning: Lessons from the Educational Frontier

I just saw this posted on one of the yahoo groups i subscribe to. I'm so excited to order it, as it has some great contributors on it. :)

Kathrynn was very intent on the both of us doing some painting this morning! We set everything up and went at it!



Kathrynn wanted some shots of both of our works in progress . :P







Kathrynn's all done and happy with her creation!!!!!



I'm done and feeling good about my creation, even though sometimes I feel like I don't have an artistic bone in my body. :P
Kathrynn had fun taking pictures of me painting. :)

Making snowflakes!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/297995/how_to_make_paper_snowflakes/

I had forgotten how, so i looked this up and it was very helpful.
Now wes and kathrynn are making snowflakes!
:)

No More Logical Consequences

I found this on my AlwaysUnschooled yahoo group today, posted by Pat/Wuweimama, who i adore and am so grateful for. Terms like these don't really get thrown around in my house. *BWG* But i thought it might provide some useful info for others.
:)


by Jane Nelsen

During a class meeting, students in a fifth grade class were asked to brainstorm logical consequences for two students who didn't hear the recess bell and were late for class. Following is their list of "consequences:"

1. Make them write their names on the board.
2. Make them stay after school that many minutes.
3. Take away that many minutes off tomorrow's recess.
4. No recess tomorrow.
5. The teacher could yell at them.

The students were then asked to forget about consequences and brainstorm for solutions that would help the students be on time.

Following is their list of solutions:
Someone could tap them on the shoulder when the bell rings.

1. Everyone could yell together, "Bell!"
2. They could play closer to the bell.
3. They could watch others to see when they are going in.
4. Adjust the bell so it is louder.
5. They could choose a buddy to remind them that it is time to come in.

The difference between these two lists is profound. The first looks and sounds like punishment. It focuses on the past and making kids "pay" for their mistake. The second list looks and sounds like solutions that focus on "helping" the kids do better in the future. It focuses on seeing problems as opportunities for learning. It other words, the first list is designed to hurt, the second is designed to help.

In the first list, the kids try to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Why do they do that? Could it be that this is what they are learning from adults? The Four Rs of Logical Consequences (Related, Respectful, Reasonable, and Revealed in advance) were conceived in an attempt to stop the trend of logical consequences sounding like punishment, but they have not totally eliminated this problem.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children DO better first we have to make them FEEL worse? When people first hear this quote from "Positive Discipline," they usually laugh as they think about how it doesn't make sense. However, when it comes to application, it seems that parents, teachers, and students have difficulty accepting that people do better when they feel better.

For example, many teachers like Nos. 2 and 3 on the first list above, ("Make them stay after school that many minutes," and "Take away that many minutes off tomorrow's recess.") It is true that those suggestions are related, reasonable, and could be enforced respectfully and revealed in advance. However, they all focus on making the child pay for the past mistake instead of finding a solution to solve the problem in the future. In other words, they are designed to make the children feel bad in the hopes that that will motivate them to do better. Punishment often stops misbehavior, but it hardly ever motivates children to do better in the future — unless they are approval junkies. Instead, they are motivated to rebel, get revenge, or to be more careful about getting caught.

Kay Rogers, a recently retired teacher from Sharon School in North Carolina said, "After I heard about the possibility of focusing on solutions instead of consequences, it was the hardest habit for me to break. All my life I had believed that kids learned from punishment -- or at least from consequences. I can now see that my students and I both tried to disguise punishment by calling it consequences -- even though the consequences weren't as harsh as blatant punishment. I had to learn about the effectiveness of focusing on solutions right along with my students. We were all surprised by the difference it made in our classroom. The level of respect and caring for each other was raised ten fold. Students became pleased to find their name on the agenda because they knew, as Jane Nelsen had told us, that we would have a whole room full of consultants to give them valuable suggestions. And, the solutions they found were much more effective in changing behavior than anything we had done before."

This does not mean logical consequences cannot be effective when properly understood and appropriately used. Hopefully the chapter on Natural and Logical Consequences in the newly revised edition of Positive Discipline will help. However, logical consequences are rarely necessary and are only one possibility. Rudolph Dreikurs taught that logical consequences are effective ONLY for the mistaken goal of undue attention (and are only one option even for that goal) . Too many adults look for logical consequences "to punish" every behavior. Looking for solutions is more effective in most situations.

Many teachers have switched and now teach the Three Rs and an H for Solutions: Related, Respectful, Reasonable and HELPFUL. Once students have brainstormed for solutions to a problem, it is extremely important to let individual students choose the solution he or she thinks will be most helpful. A vote should be taken only if the problem involved the whole class.

Of course, focusing on solutions instead of consequences is more effective in homes also. On parent said, "I can't believe how many power struggles I created by trying to impose ‘logical consequences'. We have so much more peace in our home now that we focus on solutions."