We had a rather intense weekend last weekend, as another radical unschooling family came into our lives. Whoops- I think it was mostly intense for me, not the rest of my family. ;)
After all was said and done, I realized that I was wanting my child to behave a certain way, so as to allow me to feel comfortable with the visit.
The details are too long and intricate to delve into here, but in short, due to some internal issues I've been processing, I was primed for going deep into some old fears, some unresolved anger, and pain and fear from my childhood. That anger unconsciously got transferred to my kid, that fear was internalized by me, and immobilized me on a variety of levels.
My visiting guest, who is keen on picking up energetic nuances, was aware of my internal crisis, but on the outside things were relatively calm. There was no yelling, no external displays of anger, no punishing. I was seemingly kind and gentle with my child. My thoughts were not as kind, however, nor were my expectations and assumptions.
I choose to ignore the comfort levels of my child, because at some level I was wanting my guests to feel comfortable, which could superficially lead to *me* feeling comfortable.
I choose to act in a way and make choices that lost site of who my child is...... My fear of rejection (which for me feels very unsafe) and my projection of my own issues led me down a path where I stopped partnering with my child, and started partnering with my fears.
What a long strange trip it was, and it took quite a bit of time for me to process through all the intense feelings I was feeling.... Days after the family was long gone, I was still feeling my feelings, and unraveling the pieces of what I was feeling. (Much love to Kathy, who I have lauded here before, for taking on an "emergency" Matrix Reimprinting session w/ me, which helped me to uncover some even more deeply buried stuff....)
Wow, what an eye opening experience to see how I used my child as pawn, to avoid my own uncomfortabless. Even more daunting is to realize I have been doing this all her life....
My expectations and assumptions that she act certain ways are rooted in my own fears and baggage. And yet instead of that feeling overwhelming, it ultimately feels empowering, as the pieces start to come together, regarding why she has acted certain ways under certain circumstances all these years.....
It is empowering for me to choose to feel my feelings, even when they are extremely uncomfortable in the moment. It is empowering because I am choosing to be in *my* business, to wade through my shit, because in doing so, I am able to partner with my child and be with her where she is...... Choosing to feel my feelings of fear, anger and sadness allow me to process through my stuff, so that she is able to be truly free in her present moment, and not stuck in my unintegrated moment/baggage, which can cloud my perceptive of what is going on with her.
After our guests were gone, and I had done a lot of processing, I acknowledged to Kathrynn some of the assumptions and expectations I had unknowingly placed upon her. I apologized, and also expressed how amazing I thought she had been; she too had been in a situation which led to her explore and expand her own boundaries and levels of comfort, and in my opinion she did so with both effort and some grace. (much more grace then myself!)
After all is said and done, I see and feel the Joy that comes from choosing to feel my feelings, even when they are extremely uncomfortable and painful for that moment. (And it is here that I must call out to my friend Patience....ohhhhh patience!!!))
It is a journey, and the result is a level of flow and connection and presence.