Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why do I do what i do?

's blog carnival theme this month is: Why do you do what you do?

What a fun blog carnival theme!

Ultimately I do what I do because it both makes sense and feels good. And looking back, those factors are always what led me to follow a lifestyle that can be labeled as unschooling. It always made sense to continue to follow the interests and joys of my kid, long after she was out of diapers and had started speaking in complete sentences.

It always made sense to treat her as a person, rather then an inferior being whose wants and needs were not as important as mine. It always made sense to support her in doing what was fun and joyful for her to do.

In short, I do what I do, because it works, for every person in my family. :)

Going deeper into other reasons for why I do what I do...... I've been slowly undoing a lot of mainstream norms throughout my life (I gave up organized religion when I was in college, and gave up organized medicine when I was in my 20s), so I suppose it only makes sense that my "undoing" led me to question mainstream parenting and then the education system as well as I entered my 30s.

The great thing about unschooling *for me* is that it really supports my own personal desire to deconstruct all sorts of assumptions that I was raised with. Having deconstructed some of the big ones (Sexuality, Religion, Education, Medicine), I am left to deconstructing more of the "mundane" components of living, which range from how I react to various situation to challenging the ideology of "radical unschooling" itself.

Living a life of undoing/deconstruction/unschooling means "un-ing" everything for me.... stripping away all the assumptions, beliefs, expectations that originate from mainstream ideology to counter culture ideology. It means not following any expert or specialist, even those most revered or a part of my deconstruction journey, and instead listening to my own inner guide to find what feels good *with in me*.

The more undoing that I do, the more free that I feel, and the deeper my connection with my child becomes. So yeah, why do I do what I do? Cause damn, it feels good!!! :)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

It is what it is, always.

I have been "working" on being present w/ Kathrynn in each moment.
Yeah yeah yeah old record but what this means for me continues to
change , constantly. Being in each moment has morphed so much over the
last few years, as it keeps breaking down, showing me how many things
can really be in "each moment" when I'm in my head, versus my heart. When I am aware of
my thoughts and judgments, I can see me how "unpresent" i really
am. (or maybe that i am still present, but in judgment, rather in

I have recently realized that when I blame foods or sleep or "other",
I am not really being w/ her in full peaceful presence, because I am
too busy being bitter or in explanation-land about said behavior.

Today at the roller skating rink I blamed a brief "meltdown" on the red
dye number 40 she had had 20 minutes prior. you see, I've come up w/ a
theory over the last 6 months that she might have a reaction to that
ingredient, because while she seems mostly fine w/ sugar, she has reacted a
few times after having artificial colors. So as she was melting down,
I was compassionate in appearance and in action, but in my mind I was
cursing that red dye number 40. This turned into a landslide of me cursing all sorts of various foods that have artificial dyes, not to mention foods w/ mile long ingredient lists that I can't pronounce. My goodness my mind was in over drive!

My head was spinning in resentment and bitterness, over this damn
society in which we live that is filled with dangerous items for my
child to react to!!!!!!! (Can anyone say VICTIM?!?!?!? lol)

As I went out to skate I realized I'd done it again! I'd blamed the
behavior on the X. on the Y, and especially the Z. (This is something I've been cognitively working on *not doing.*) Today it was food I was blaming (old pattern) but it could have just as easily been many other things I was blaming- all things that i could "justifiably"
blame: Kathrynn had too busy of a day, her body was tired, she was
needing the broken cookie to process some repressed feelings, ect and
so on. It's not that any of those "excuses" were not true- it's more

Coming up with excuses to justify behaviors that bring about
discomfort in our society is really nothing more then a control issue
for me. Excuses give me the illusion of control to be able to explain
away my kid's behavior. It might make me feel better as a parent to
explain her behavior away, or feel like my kids behavior is "ok"
because of x, y and z- and both of those come down to issues of
control IME.

In justifying and blaming, I was not as connected to my child when she
was experiencing her "meltdown" as I could have been. If I hadn't been
so busy in explaining away her behavior in my mind, I would have been
more empathetic and still and loving- not just in action and
appearance, but in my inner being, where peaceful presence resides for
me. If I had not been blaming and judging, I would have been done w/
the experience when she was done w/ the experience, but instead I was
angry and bitter and peeved for hours afterward. Not a whole lot of
peaceful presence in that!

Why do I so desperately want to control these uncomfortable
encounters, by taking it to my mind, instead of staying in my heart?
For me it's fear- fear of me being a bad parent, fear of my kid
displaying "unacceptable" behaviors, fear of not knowing when the
encounter will be over, fear that I'll explode.... It's a long list,
and yet when I stay in peaceful presence none of those fears exists.
The fear may exists in my heart, but the story of fear is not there,
and so the fear has no power- I can just be with that fear, in the
same way I can be with my child- compassionately and lovingly.

When I can BE with my child, as she turns into a puddle on the floor, I can
find that quiet place inside my heart and being, and just ride the
wave. And then it is over, and we can be in the next moment... which
exists because it exists, and for no other real reason other then it
is what it is. Always.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fun blog post :)

Arun recently posted an interesting meme on his blog that i found from Frank.
Feel free to do this on your own blog, and please leave me a comment so I can find yours!

“I live in…” Bloomington, Indiana
“The last time I had a huge belly laugh with my child was when…” We share lots of belly laughs constantly- every day I'd say! We shared one last night over something that Kathrynn said, which really just made us all bust out laughing. :)
“My mother would often tell me…” that's not lady-like. :P
“To be the sort of parent I aspire to being, I find myself becoming more…” Aware and gentle.
“If I had a two-week, fully-paid holiday with absolutely no responsibilities and no kids, I would…” I have no desire to have a 2 week vacation without my kid.... If she was with my husband, I could have 1 week away and enjoy myself. I love to travel, so wow, picking one spot would be difficult. But I think i'd wind up somewhere hot and near the ocean-- ok, i'll pick Thailand!!!
When my child gets older, I'd love to travel around Ireland with my husband. :)
“A book that profoundly impacted on my life is…” Illusions by Richard Bach was life changing. :)
“I secretly would like to…” play around in Amsterdam for a week or so.
“At my funeral I want…” there to be a joyful celebration near a body of water with some dancing, excellent food and drink.

“I am…” loving the journey.
“Right now I am in…” a peaceful place.
“Most people do not know that I…” really am out of the box regarding most areas of my life. :P
“I am passionate about…” being self aware and connected to my family.
“Decades from now, when my child thinks of me, I hope that she remember…” that I did the best that I could in each moment, and loved her in each and every moment.
“My soul feels warm and I have a big smile when I remember…” how much I love my family.
“If I could go back in time and give one piece of advice to myself when I was 18 years old it would be to…” remind myself that there is nothing more powerful then what exists within me already.
“I think that the most important thing about life is…” to be connected with one's inner Source.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Michelangelo Joy :)

Kathrynn had a few lemonade stands to raise money to cover the adoption fees for the precious kitty she had picked out to adopt!

He came to our house after living with a foster mama on July 30, 2010. He was just under 3 months old. :)

His enormous head and ears are two of his adorable features. :)

August 8, 2010

August 22, 2010

It didn't take long before his arms and legs started to get longer, and his tail too...... We're guessing he's going to be a big boy!
August 24, 2010

Here is is, snuggled with the queen of our house, 15 year old Jazmine.
We spent a lot of (wasted) time trying to keep Michelangelo out of Jazmine's food and water, as well as her "perch". We found that the more control we attempted, the more of a waste of time it was. hahah!!! ;)

They are still getting used to each other. Jazmine is still trying to figure out who this kitty is and why he's in her house. And Michelangelo is trying to figure out why this big cat won't play with him. :)

September 7

Michelangelo loves "playing" with our guinea pig Nadine. :P

That's our life with Michelangelo for 5 weeks!!! :)