I have been "working" on being present w/ Kathrynn in each moment.
Yeah yeah yeah old record but what this means for me continues to
change , constantly. Being in each moment has morphed so much over the
last few years, as it keeps breaking down, showing me how many things
can really be in "each moment" when I'm in my head, versus my heart. When I am aware of
my thoughts and judgments, I can see me how "unpresent" i really
am. (or maybe that i am still present, but in judgment, rather in
I have recently realized that when I blame foods or sleep or "other",
I am not really being w/ her in full peaceful presence, because I am
too busy being bitter or in explanation-land about said behavior.
Today at the roller skating rink I blamed a brief "meltdown" on the red
dye number 40 she had had 20 minutes prior. you see, I've come up w/ a
theory over the last 6 months that she might have a reaction to that
ingredient, because while she seems mostly fine w/ sugar, she has reacted a
few times after having artificial colors. So as she was melting down,
I was compassionate in appearance and in action, but in my mind I was
cursing that red dye number 40. This turned into a landslide of me cursing all sorts of various foods that have artificial dyes, not to mention foods w/ mile long ingredient lists that I can't pronounce. My goodness my mind was in over drive!
My head was spinning in resentment and bitterness, over this damn
society in which we live that is filled with dangerous items for my
child to react to!!!!!!! (Can anyone say VICTIM?!?!?!? lol)
As I went out to skate I realized I'd done it again! I'd blamed the
behavior on the X. on the Y, and especially the Z. (This is something I've been cognitively working on *not doing.*) Today it was food I was blaming (old pattern) but it could have just as easily been many other things I was blaming- all things that i could "justifiably"
blame: Kathrynn had too busy of a day, her body was tired, she was
needing the broken cookie to process some repressed feelings, ect and
so on. It's not that any of those "excuses" were not true- it's more
that IT DOES NOT MATTER!!!!
Coming up with excuses to justify behaviors that bring about
discomfort in our society is really nothing more then a control issue
for me. Excuses give me the illusion of control to be able to explain
away my kid's behavior. It might make me feel better as a parent to
explain her behavior away, or feel like my kids behavior is "ok"
because of x, y and z- and both of those come down to issues of
In justifying and blaming, I was not as connected to my child when she
was experiencing her "meltdown" as I could have been. If I hadn't been
so busy in explaining away her behavior in my mind, I would have been
more empathetic and still and loving- not just in action and
appearance, but in my inner being, where peaceful presence resides for
me. If I had not been blaming and judging, I would have been done w/
the experience when she was done w/ the experience, but instead I was
angry and bitter and peeved for hours afterward. Not a whole lot of
peaceful presence in that!
Why do I so desperately want to control these uncomfortable
encounters, by taking it to my mind, instead of staying in my heart?
For me it's fear- fear of me being a bad parent, fear of my kid
displaying "unacceptable" behaviors, fear of not knowing when the
encounter will be over, fear that I'll explode.... It's a long list,
and yet when I stay in peaceful presence none of those fears exists.
The fear may exists in my heart, but the story of fear is not there,
and so the fear has no power- I can just be with that fear, in the
same way I can be with my child- compassionately and lovingly.
When I can BE with my child, as she turns into a puddle on the floor, I can
find that quiet place inside my heart and being, and just ride the
wave. And then it is over, and we can be in the next moment... which
exists because it exists, and for no other real reason other then it
is what it is. Always.